I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Confused owl: What?!
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Bros before Ohioes
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.