Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
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Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Planet of the Apps.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!