I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me irl
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
What’s so funny?