me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
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*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.