If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
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Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
What the hell happened in there??
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.