After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!