happy friday
You Might Also Like
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
cat vs inanimate object
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.