realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
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Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.