[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
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*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back