I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
You Might Also Like
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No