EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Accurate
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.