If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
is this a threat
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
wait.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE