I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.