How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.