A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My plans: 2020:
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise