HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
You Might Also Like
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.