Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
It’s an epidemic…
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.