My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
You Might Also Like
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Muppet Screams
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow