Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.