Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.