Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
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I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Midwest trash talk
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.