Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.