I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
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[montage of me giving-up]
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT