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It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
A short story of betrayal:
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.