I like it thick and deep
Pizza
You Might Also Like
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Florida be like…
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.