When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn