[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
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“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”