*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
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Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.