Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
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Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.