I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
what’s more important?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]