My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
*watches the world burn*
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!