me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Planet of the Apps.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead