Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.