The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
me and who
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.