Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
This squirrel eats better than I do
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Mike Tyson’s apartment building