I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
The Compass
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
when nothing goes right… go left