“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
#dnd #ttrpg
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.