My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Golf would be better with landmines.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
All set.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six