The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
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I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.