scrabbled eggs
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.