If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Bloody internet 😳
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
this is me
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.