I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
A leaf blower, but for people.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
the #horror is real!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain