I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
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just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.