[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
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Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
calling in to work dehydrated
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.