I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
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My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I am also baked goods
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up