The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
You Might Also Like
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.