A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Google assistant rules
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Doctors texting each other.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.