My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.