Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
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Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice