Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
this isn’t threatening at all
#Caturday
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs